Top 10 reasons why North Americans suck
During my money-seeking travels I came across Constant Content, a site that allows writers to submit articles to be auctioned off to purchasers in need of content. I half-assedly clicked around and discovered that they have a humor section, of which the most recent submission is ‘top ten reasons you know you’re a dog lover.’ I was at once hit by two conflicting urges to scoff at yet another ‘top 10 list’ on the internet and click through to find out what could possibly be so funny about being a dog owner. Perhaps #1 is “I jerked off a Miniature Schnauzer”
I digress. So, I decided to write my own top 10 list and submit it to them for consideration. It only took them half an hour to come back with:
==== Editorial Information for Your Article: ====
This is not the type of content we are looking for.
==== End Editorial Information for Your Article ====
I even wrote an introduction as per the dictates of their editorial guidelines. Anyways, without further ado, Here is the top 10 reasons why North Americans suck:
Introduction:
An all-too-rare character trait in modern life is the ability for self-reflection, or in other words, the ability to draft a list of reasons why you suck. Perhaps you hate kittens or never listen to your spouse. Whatever the specifics, knowing why you suck is the first step towards tearing down the walls of your own inadequacy. This article aims to get that ball rolling, so let’s light some candles, hold each other’s hand, and explore the ways that we all suck.
10. Our food
While we haven’t had a ton of time to build up a stunning culinary tradition, if one is to judge solely by the menu at Chili’s or Boston Pizza, then we haven’t used our time wisely. Our civilization seems to have maxed out at the hamburger, and the ceiling for new innovation is to add an onion ring or blue cheese.
9. Our moral sensibilities
No longer do we look to the stake to placate our moral Puritanism, for the witch of yesteryear has given way to the equally titillating though less burnable female nipple. Nowadays, if something stirs the North American outrage machine, whether it teenagers hugging each other in public or the word ‘shit’, it is simply talked about ad nauseum on television, thus affording us the ability to hum and haw from the safety of our own homes.
8. Our fat asses
We’ve up-sized everything to the point that when a nature show informs us an ant can eat its’ own weight in one sitting, we’re like, “Ya, and?”
7. Our love of cars
Cars are intimately tied to the North American love of freedom. We simply refuse to relinquish our right to commute for two hours every day, to receive a kick in the junction whenever we pay insurance and gas bills, and most importantly to drown polar bears.
6. Our love of money
What’s more important: three daylight hours with which to earn more money to buy some product that can prove to your neighbor that you’re successful, or a nice siesta? For people the world over, it makes for a difficult decision- success or happiness? To a North American, however, it’s not exactly a Sophie’s choice.
5. Our love of youth
Instead of giving a toss about the accumulated wisdom and maturation that comes with age, we tend to gravitate towards the supple skin and perk breasts that come with youth. This goes far beyond the undisputable fact that perk breasts are a lot more aesthetically pleasing, and all the way to the point that we actually want to be young again. As a civilization, we told truth to fuck off because beauty knows how to party.
4. Our love of celebrity
Whether we lynch a child molester or celebrate one has a lot to do with whether they’ve appeared on Entertainment Tonight.
3. Our fear
Whether its terrorism, H1N1, or plain old lupus, a painful death is lurking around every corner. Such is our fear of death that the media’s mandate has had to slowly change from guardian of democracy to distributor of panic. There’s only one top ten list that’s more popular than a ‘reasons why you suck,’ and it’s a ‘how you’re going to die.’
2. Our hypocrisy
It’s not hard to imagine Jesus sitting on his favorite cloud and shaking his head in disbelieving approval at how great we are at championing human rights and freedom. That is, our human right to bomb the shit out of other countries and freedom to inform them that their political system pales in comparison to ours.
1. Our love of top ten lists
Since attention spans are fracturing by the second and the Old Media will soon be letting out its’ last breath, it seems increasingly likely that the major cultural legacy we’ll be handing down to our children will be the top ten list. Flash forward fifty years and textbooks will be full of lessons like ‘top ten reasons why Canada is great,’ and ‘ten new ways to love America.’
Posted: October 29th, 2009 under internetery, satire writing - humor.