How we made it suck: Vampires

In the past few years, no other cultural staple has been more pummeled into retardation than vampires. Back in the day, they had the romantic depth to please the ladies while still maintaining enough killer integrity to get a nod from the men. Bram Stoker’s vampire turned the boon of immortality on its head – so much so that the upside of being able to watch the rise and fall of human empires didn’t compensate for the inability to enjoy human pleasures: sex, sleeping, eating, etc. Of course, real human contact is also off the table because of a vampire’s thirst for blood. The thirst frames the real symbolic potency of being a vampire- they end up destroying whatever they love. Pretty deep stuff, might even have one thinking about the nature of humanity, mortality, and other such lofty questions.

Too bad we made them suck.
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Edited: November 27th, 2009